The County That Weighs Together...

“I’m from the government, and I’m here to aerobicize you.”

That may be the new catch phrase as some Rutherford County (Tennessee) employees prepare for the second series of their own weight loss/fitness program inspired by NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.”

Rutherford County is going all out to make the program a success, tapping the expertise of nutritionists, physicians, and motivational speakers. The county seems to be doing better than one mercifully unnamed town, which made the mistake of going with the low bidder to run a similar program. (“Okay, judge, you’ll need to ditch the black robes and go with these vertical stripes…”)

“The Biggest Loser” seems to be a winning formula. Rutherford County is lucky to have missed out on earlier reality show-based competitions, such as “Tap Dancing With The Budget Figures,” “Supervisory Nanny,” and “Garbage Route Swap.”

The county benefits from the program because physical fitness makes the employees more productive, but productivity has its downside. Perhaps only certain departments should be allowed to participate. I don’t think anyone wants to hear, “I’m from the Codes Department, I’ve been living on carrot sticks for three days, and you look like red meat to me!”

Furthermore, healthier employees will stimulate the economy via job growth. Insurance companies will have to hire extra personnel to concoct new reasons to keep premiums up. (“Let’s see, if the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars…”)

If the anti-obesity campaign enjoys continued success, the county may expand to help its employees by discouraging other potentially harmful behavior, such as smoking, drug abuse, skydiving, whistle blowing, etc.

It takes a lot of guts for the participants to post their “before” photographs on the Internet for the world to see. Not many people can bear to display their physical shortcomings on the Web, unlike the tens of millions who have no qualms about displaying their mental shortcomings. (“There was no Holocaust. The Trilateral Commission and the Knights Templar staged it out in the desert somewhere.”)

Be prepared for stress from the diet regimen may take its toll on the dignity of even the strongest public servants. (“We intend to uphold government of the people, by the people, and for the luvva Mike will you get those carbs out of here!?!”)

Taxpayers face a stressful situation as well. This is a real paradigm shift for them to get used to. After years of wrangling over “separation of church and state,” it’s now “separation of employee and doughnuts.” Cornered government figures will now wag their fingers and insist, “I did not have chocolate éclairs with that woman.”

Citizens will have to get used to the sheriff climbing out of his patrol car at a traffic stop and drawling, “You in a heap of triglycerides, boy!” Instead of scheduling government debate, the calendar committee will focus on employee pin-ups. ( Actually, it’s nice to have government employees all buff and glowing. They’ll look better in photos for the ribbon-cutting of the latest Lardburger franchise.)

In spite of the culture shock, voters should show their support for the government employees’ weight reduction. Maybe someday we’ll see politicians competing for prizes in other reductions. (“It’s only January, and I’ve already taken down 22 percent of my November campaign posters, on the way to my goal of 60 percent. I approve removing part of my message.”)